


moving

by carltzmann



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Moving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-11-07 13:29:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11059971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carltzmann/pseuds/carltzmann
Summary: phil wants to talk about it. dan doesn't know how.





	moving

**Author's Note:**

> sorry it's all lowercase. pressing the shift bar is too much work.

"dan, we really should talk about moving."  
  
at first it was a joke - for the past months, every time phil mentioned their apartment or moving dan would pretend to leave the room and they would have a good laugh and internally, phil would push the topic to the back of his mind for later discussion. but "later discussion" was getting closer and closer as their lease's end date grew more and more oppressively incumbent.  
  
dan still didn't want to talk about it.  
  
"ok. what are your thoughts?" he said this to avoid sharing his opinion on moving, which was 'i'm completely ready to move into a big house in the country with that corgi you won't stop talking about at any time.'  
  
but moving had always been a source of stress for both of them. being a youtuber often meant that one's house was no longer a private space; it was a stage. and having to think about locations and prices and the unreliability of london housing was already stressful - add the perilous ambiguity of bedrooms and landlords and dogs and dan was ready to shut down.  
  
phil pursed his lips. "i don't know. i feel like we're at a crossroads right now." the word 'crossroads' sent a chill of anxiety through dan's muscles, and he shifted. "we could stay here, that's always a possibility, but i think we're outgrowing this space. and then there's the implications of moving into a place together again, whether we're renting or buying. it would be a big change to confirm that we do plan to live together for the foreseeable future. or..." he looked down. phil's uneasiness spread to dan. "we could move apart. get separate places."  
  
a wave of sickness churned in dan's stomach, made his head heavy. crossroads and implications and separations and the foreseeable future.  
  
"i don't think we should stay here. change is inevitable and i think it would benefit us," dan responded. _am i going to avoid this and leave the tension resting on both our shoulders, or force myself to break it now?_  
  
dan left it hanging.  
  
phil nodded slowly, and his confusion made dan feel so, so guilty. he could do something now, he could say it, he could do the scary, vulnerable thing and admit how much the thought of living in separate houses terrified him. but it had always been difficult and scary and phil wasn't going to say it either - not because it scared him, but because they had both gotten used to mimicry.  
  
"okay. well, think about it for me, will you?" his brow was furrowed, in confusion or fear or concern dan didn't know, but it made him want to run and hide.  
  
"will do," dan sighed. but he already knew the answer.  
  
  
  
it was brought up next in the early morning (which was around noon for both of them), and dan was rubbing sleep from his eyes in the kitchen, watching phil brew a cup of coffee, when the latter said:  
  
"so did you come to a conclusion about moving?"  
  
dan groaned. "phil, i just woke up. is this really the time?"  
  
phil sighed, and it was one of the 'i'm dealing with someone with the emotional language of an 8-year-old boy whose mind he can too easily close off' sighs. it was frustrated and disappointed.  
  
dan hated that, and his shame morphed into anger.  
  
"i just think it's important to -"  
  
"if you think it's so important, why don't you share your views on the matter?" dan said. it snapped like a rubber band against phil's pale features.  
  
"it's..." he took a shaky breath. "dan, we have to make this decision together and it's so hard for me to read your mind, and -" phil was tearing up, and he didn't often cry, but dan recognized the frustration in his voice. the shame bubbled up again but he couldn't muster any anger to satisfy it.  
  
dan stepped to phil and wrapped his arms around his neck comfortingly, like they were dancing. "i'm sorry, babe. i'm being difficult."  
  
phil breathed a wet laugh into his neck and nodded.  
  
"i'll - i'll figure it out, okay?"  
  
what he would figure out was up for interpretation.  
  
  
  
it was dark, and raining. they were curled in on each other in phil's bed, their post-coital glow enough to light up the entire room. they both had soft smiles. dan fingered phil's hair and phil stroked dan's hip with his thumb. everything silvery, starry, glittering and glowing.  
  
"i'm sorry," dan said, interrupting the soft silence.  
  
"what for?" phil asked, gently.  
  
"not talking to you. closing myself off."  
  
"what about?"  
  
"the move."  
  
phil's expression changed to one of hope. before he could say anything, dan turned around. it was too scary to look into those big blue eyes right now.  
  
"to be honest, phil, thinking about moving away from each other is...i don't know, it's...terrifying. i'm content to move into a massive house with a three dogs and a garden right now. i don't know why i'm still scared to say that."  
  
phil let out a breath and wrapped his arm around dan, moving closer.  
  
"moving is always just scary, big life decisions are scary, especially when they're being watched closely by millions of people. it just reminds me how much of our private life is public, even when i want to suppress that as much as possible." he felt phil nod against his neck.  
  
"i feel the exact same way. i would never be...angry with you, if i wanted to move separately. which i don't."  
  
dan turned around, a look of importance, of persistence on his face. "that's not what i'm afraid of. i mean, i am, but i'm more afraid that you would want to move separately, but you wouldn't, for my sake." he got quieter. "you're so good to me, and it's scary to trust that, to just believe how loved i am."  
  
"dan, you're so loved, but you aren't loved by an idiot." he giggled.  
  
dan rolled his eyes. "debatable."  
  
"hey!" he kicked dan under the sheets and their eyes were glittering and everything felt light again. "i promise, dan, i would talk to you. as much as i hate confrontation, i would not be interested in sharing an apartment for at least another year with a loud, moody idiot if i didn't really love him."  
  
dan giggled.  
  
"and i really, really love you," phil said, with a light smile on his face,  
  
dan turned his head and pretended to retch but he still grinned when phil kissed his lips and then his cheek and his jaw. dan felt precious, like a treasure.  
  
how, after all these years of sharing both virtual and physical space, years of living together and eating together and working together and sleeping together, how did dan still feel so magical?  
  
"i love you, too, phil." this brought phil back to dan's eye level, and they gazed for a moment with silly smiles, and then phil gave a final kiss to dan's cheek and sank against the pillow, finally sleeping.


End file.
